Lately I've been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm so tired.
As I mentioned in the last post, our water heater took a hike. I still remember hearing the sound of the garbage men loading it onto the truck from the hot, steaming shower I was taking (and had been deprived of for so long, apparently).
As I was driving Brad's truck home today it decided to give me an error message it's never done before. "Check charging system." Remember the red ring of death (X-Box reference)? Yup, this is your car's version of that. Okay, maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but it still means that the guy at Auto Zone said we need a new alternator and my dad wants us to stop driving it ASAP.
Fun Fact of the Day: We just paid thousands to have the transmission rebuilt, too.
Some days I feel like I'm barely surviving. You know when you buy a new house and things are pretty much all in working order? (I mean, you had an inspection and made them fix it, right?!) Then stuff breaks or wears out. You don't have time to re-stain the fence. Or the money to tune up the furnace. Or pull that tree the storm took out. Or remember to get your oil change you don't have time to wait on. The "To Do" list continues to grow exponentially. It just all happens at once.
I barely have two weeks left of school and I seem to be working a ton, Brad just had surgery today, Cam is sick and running a fever (so day care won't take him), and I've hardly touched my study material. It all happens at once.
I feel like I'm barely surviving and not because I'm not trying, but because I feel like I've taken on too much. Sometimes I think it's because I expect too much of myself. I want to be with Camden all the time. I need to study every hour of the day I'm not working. I feel such guilt whenever I want to spend an hour or two cuddling my baby watching a movie instead of studying; but then I feel guilty studying and not being with him. I have guilt because I'm so exhausted at the end of the day I'd rather throw my contacts away than put them in a contact case and I'm too lazy to take my bra off. (Under-wire's hurt, guys.) Then again, I have guilt for sleeping only 4 hours a night and not respecting myself enough to get adequate sleep; or nutrition; or water.
This isn't the way I wanted to lose weight.
I do thank God for my health and family. I know that just about everything I am stressed about, I brought upon myself. I didn't purposely break the water heater or Brad's truck, but I did choose this career path. I can't choose what happens to me next in life, but I can certainly choose how I react to it.
I need to learn to live in the now. I can't dwell on the bad test grade I got; only learn from it and move on. What would it change if I got upset and moped over a bad grade, horrible clinical instructor, didactic professor that ignores my emails, and coworkers that insult me? Nothing. That's exactly what it would change. So that's exactly what it should mean to me.
Nothing that happens to you is worth your life. Make your life matter. Make it better.