When it rains, it pours .. and blizzards .. and floods .. and sleets ..

Lately I've been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm so tired.

As I mentioned in the last post, our water heater took a hike. I still remember hearing the sound of the garbage men loading it onto the truck from the hot, steaming shower I was taking (and had been deprived of for so long, apparently). 

As I was driving Brad's truck home today it decided to give me an error message it's never done before. "Check charging system." Remember the red ring of death (X-Box reference)? Yup, this is your car's version of that. Okay, maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but it still means that the guy at Auto Zone said we need a new alternator and my dad wants us to stop driving it ASAP.  

Fun Fact of the Day: We just paid thousands to have the transmission rebuilt, too.

Some days I feel like I'm barely surviving. You know when you buy a new house and things are pretty much all in working order? (I mean, you had an inspection and made them fix it, right?!) Then stuff breaks or wears out. You don't have time to re-stain the fence. Or the money to tune up the furnace. Or pull that tree the storm took out. Or remember to get your oil change you don't have time to wait on. The "To Do" list continues to grow exponentially. It just all happens at once. 

I barely have two weeks left of school and I seem to be working a ton, Brad just had surgery today, Cam is sick and running a fever (so day care won't take him), and I've hardly touched my study material. It all happens at once. 

I feel like I'm barely surviving and not because I'm not trying, but because I feel like I've taken on too much. Sometimes I think it's because I expect too much of myself. I want to be with Camden all the time. I need to study every hour of the day I'm not working. I feel such guilt whenever I want to spend an hour or two cuddling my baby watching a movie instead of studying; but then I feel guilty studying and not being with him. I have guilt because I'm so exhausted at the end of the day I'd rather throw my contacts away than put them in a contact case and I'm too lazy to take my bra off. (Under-wire's hurt, guys.) Then again, I have guilt for sleeping only 4 hours a night and not respecting myself enough to get adequate sleep; or nutrition; or water. 

This isn't the way I wanted to lose weight.

I do thank God for my health and family. I know that just about everything I am stressed about, I brought upon myself. I didn't purposely break the water heater or Brad's truck, but I did choose this career path. I can't choose what happens to me next in life, but I can certainly choose how I react to it.  

I need to learn to live in the now. I can't dwell on the bad test grade I got; only learn from it and move on. What would it change if I got upset and moped over a bad grade, horrible clinical instructor, didactic professor that ignores my emails, and coworkers that insult me? Nothing. That's exactly what it would change. So that's exactly what it should mean to me.

Nothing that happens to you is worth your life. Make your life matter. Make it better.

Here we go ...

I've successfully completed my first few weeks of nursing school. I can't really comment on how the workload is because I've yet to have an exam or anything graded.

 

As for myself (aka a mess), I can definitely comment on that.

 

When I finally decided to apply to nursing school, I was nervous but excited. I wasn't sure if I'd even get in, much less be good at it or enjoy it. I got in and then things got real.

 

I had to find money to pay for (very expensive and private) tuition, bills, day care, etc.

Register for classes.

Buy uniforms, scrubs.

Figure out how to motivate myself to study because ALL of my classes are online.

ALL.

 

Let's just say the library and I have become well acquainted these last few weeks.

 

In the first few days of classes officially starting, I was full of butterflies (and an upper respiratory infection). I quickly doubted myself.

 

Is this something I CAN do?

Am I sacrificing too much?

How much debt will I actually accrue?

Should I just drop out and work until I become a SAHM?

Why did I want to do this in the first place?

 

Lots of doubts and questions bombarded me in that first week. I still am a little nervous, but feeling much more confident that I chose the right path for myself and my family. I know that in the end this is really what I want to do (and will be great at).

 

One reason I know is because I've read every word of every chapter and studied like crazy in just a mere week-and-a-half. I love this information and just inhale it; soak it all in. I can't help but ask myself why I wasn't in nursing school to begin with.

Ah hem .. I have an announcement ..

 

I have been accepted into an accelerated nursing program!

 

I took my last 2 prerequisite classes this semester and bit the bullet and finally applied. This is something I've been wanting to do for a really long time, I was just too afraid of rejection and debt. In all honesty, I'm still terrified of the loans and debt I'll accrue during the next year and a half, but I know that it will be more than worth it in the end.

 

I can't wait to start classes in January and I just finished registering for classes, meeting the faculty and other students, and buying my books so it's really all just sinking in and I'm getting really excited!!! So far, my ideal specialty would be wound care or surgery. We'll see how that changes over the course of the next 16 months. :)

Nursing Mom's Nest - Indianapolis Zoo

This past weekend my hubby and I decided to take a quick trip to the Indianapolis Zoo. We have always wanted to eventually get a membership when we had kids and now seemed like a great time. The weather has been great, Camden loves the animals, and his birthday is quickly approaching. (And I couldn't think of anything really "big" to get him.) A year-long zoo membership was perfect!

I will post more about the zoo later, but I wanted to focus on a new area of the zoo, which I'm pretty sure is unique to Indianapolis' Zoo. There is a new exhibit at the zoo called Flights of Fancy: A Brilliance of Birds. There are all sorts of birds from probably around the world (I'm more of a seer/doer than a read-the-info person). We got to feed the birds, too, which was the highlight of my trip for sure!

The uniqueness of this area is that there is a great private, indoor separate area for nursing mothers to feed or change their little ones. Enter the Nursing Moms Nest, presented by Riley Hospital for Children at Indiana University Health.

A lot of people have misconceptions that a breastfeeding mother is shy or should go to these private places to hide. This is not a place like that. The zoo isn't kicking us out from nursing on a bench out in public. The beauty of this area is that it's indoors, quiet, and comfortable. Any nursing mother will tell you that all of those play a HUGE factor in breastfeeding. If you've ever tried to breast feed a very distractible infant with noises around (especially animals, birds, crowds of people), you know what I'm talking about. Also, it gets pretty hot here in the summer, cold in the winter, and rains whenever it wants to (hey, it's Indiana after all) so the climate-controlled area is definitely a must-have!

I must admit that the area was a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It's like a mini-gymnasium. Okay, well maybe not that big, but it was roomy! Whoever collaborated to make this happen, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my my-toddler-won't-nurse-just-anywhere heart. :-)

The artwork was so heart warming and tasteful. They definitely incorporated the aspects of the zoo into the room decor, which I thought was a wonderful touch. They did some "finger" painting with the animals and there were pictures of animals with their young all around. Gorgeous, I say.

There were three private rooms with a rocker and footstool in each. (I assume, anyways, since I didn't go snooping into the two other occupied rooms.) The glass doors were tinted so you couldn't see into the area. There was also a place for you to sit and nurse out in the open, which I don't mind NEARLY as much as I did when first starting almost a year ago. 

Overall, my experience at the zoo this time around was fantastic. It usually always is, but this just made it so much easier to bring my son and not have to miss a thing!

No more nursing my son in the car sitting in the parking lot. It's conveniently smack dab in the middle of the zoo so you don't have to miss a single exhibit. Thanks again to everyone that came together to make this Nursing Nest a reality, because let's face it, this is something a lot more public places should adopt. 

Getting personal

I'm not a writer. Nor am I a very good one. Given this information, please excuse my random post rant.

Recently I've been on the verge of giving up. Giving up finding a job (among many other things). Yes, I still do interviews but I'm really thinking my skills need some brushing up. Not sure how to go about doing that, but at any rate they could use some dusting off. I have always had a job, since I was 14 years old cashiering for Joe O'Malia's Supermarket.

Good ol' Joe's. Great local grocery chain and such a fun time in my life.

Now it's vital to our family, our survival and for the sake of our savings account that I find a job. And soon.

As some of you know, I left a well-paying job in July of 2010; just before Cam was conceived. Mistake number one? Leaving the job. Letting the stress get to me. I used to be very sensitive to stress and things going on around me.

I'm a changed person now. Camden, he has changed my every thought. He has made me a better person. (Not to mention I cuss less. Hey, you gotta start somewhere.)

Because of that beautiful, sweet, innocent little baby of mine, I've chosen to do what is necessary. If that means going back to work after we thought I could be a stay-at-home-mom, then that's what it means. I'll do anything for that kid! Now people say that all the time, but I would give him all of my organs if it would save his life.

As I cry thinking of something so horrific..

It pains me to see us struggling. It pains me to feel this way. I just want to be free from all hate, all evil, and all negativity. Unfortunately there's no such place (on Earth anyways) that exists. Trust me when I say that if it did, I'd be in the car on my way right.this.moment.

Sometimes I feel like just running away from everything. Selling our house, furniture and everything we own and just moving my family to the Caribbean or some exotic place where we could be around sunshine, positivity, and less civilization (and not to mention, a beach for crying out loud). Although nice in theory and somewhat doable, I know I'd miss this place. This is my home and I've called it that for 28 (seemingly long) years.

Well folks, I've found a new sense of being and who I am recently. I feel like this is the start of something wonderful and we'll see where it leads me. I apologize if this was random, confusing or whatever it was but I had to get some thoughts off of my chest. Not too many people to talk to since Cam takes up 210% of my time. :) In a good way.



Sewing Fun!

For Christmas one of my major (big) gifts was a sewing machine from Santa. Thank you mom! I have always had an interest in sewing. In other words, I buy something like curtains and think to myself, "Man, those could really use another layer so less of the sun shines through." Or something to that effect.

After looking at my poor, bare machine sitting on a table for almost two months, I decided to go to a fabric store today and get started! I was quite overwhelmed by the mass quantities of fabric, string, "quarters" and books. There was terry cloth, fleece, etc. I only list two types of fabric because I have no idea what anything else is called. Cotton? No? Yes? Who knows ...

Well whatever the material, I sewed this (let's call it a) burp cloth. I really just wanted to practice sewing and make sure I could number one, do it, and number two, do it in a straight line. I ran through the bobbin right as I finally figured out how to properly thread the top string and not break it. Oh well. You sew and you learn.

I loved the fabric above because it's so vibrant and has fish on it! I thought it'd be perfect for Brad to take Camden to the Boat Show tomorrow with, since I'll be working at the hospital all day. Hopefully he'll get to see Grandpa Jones!!

I really have NO CLUE what to sew next. (Please comment and give me practical, easy ideas.) Please and thank you! :) I think I'll sew another burp cloth and practice using a different type of stitching. Sounds fun! Once I really get the hang of this, I'm going to put some more backing on our bedroom curtains (Cam's too) so that they block more light. I think they are pretty and all, but not-so-much functional.

PS - A HUMONGOUS thank you to my friends Rachel and Angie for inspiring me to sew and making me (and Cam) so many wonderful things! We should have a sewing party soon (aka teach-Kelly-to-sew party). ;)

What's goin' on

In the past few months I've made so many wonderful mom-friends (and even some friends that don't yet have children). I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people to turn to when I need to vent, have a question or just need to get out of the house. We're not quite close enough to tell my deepest, darkest secrets to (I'm sure I have some). Either way, I'm so excited to watch Camden grow up with plenty of friends to play with and it's just great to know that other parents understand the incomparable challenges of raising another human being .. and doing our best to not screw them up.

I constantly feel like raising a child is an extreme roller coaster ride. There will be good days and bad days, and I understand that. The most frustrating part, however, is that he cannot communicate anything with me at this point. It's gotten so much easier to entertain him now that he sits up much easier and loves his exersaucer, but with that comes new challenges. I'm just grateful for the good days. Here lately he's been nothing short of a sweet angel, yet I know he's teething (we had some horrible days last week). Either way.. look at that face..

How could you stay mad at that face!? I know that's why God makes babies so cute; so we don't give up. ;)

Did you happen to notice he is sitting on his OWN!? YEAH! BIG BOY! He does topple over once in a while but is getting so much better at it all of the sudden.

Besides wanting to eat all the tags off of his stuffed animals, he absolutely loves to play with his pacifier. I'm not sure what intrigues him about it, but he always finds it when playing and shoves it in his mouth. Side note: Not that I'm anti-pacifier, but we only use it when he is sleeping or in the car seat. He apparently has other plans. Today he left it in his mouth like this for a few minutes wondering why I couldn't stop laughing.

So here are the cliff notes: Babies are frustrating, cute, but totally worth raising!

Product Review: Milk Freezer Bags

Breast milk freezer bags are a necessity for a nursing mother. Even if you are a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) like I am (long story, the job didn't work out), you still need to pump, even if just for comfort reasons. There is no need to pour out perfectly good milk so why not freeze it?! If your freezer becomes overly stuffed like ours is at the moment, you can always donate it to the Indiana Mother's Milk Bank, IMMB.

When I first started pumping, I used the Medela bags simply because I had a Medela pump and you can pump right into the bag; no need to clean bottles every time. Well, then I learned that you usually want to combine the two sides of milk into one bag or bottle anyways so you're going to need to do dishes. I had some Lansinoh bags as a sample pack and started filling those too. What a difference a bag makes!

So on the left are the Medela bags, and the right are the Lansinoh bags. Immediately I noticed the bag size difference. The Lansinoh's are much longer and have a higher storage capacity of 6 ounces (versus only 5 ounces with the Medela).

Pricing comparison? There is no comparing ... Lansinoh is LESS THAN HALF the price of Medela for the exact same amount of bags, 50-count. Medela is expensive, running about $20-23 per 50-count box. Lansinoh is only $10 for a 50-count box.

When comparing the ease of writing on the bags/labeling there is a big difference too. Labeling is labeling, I know, but per state regulations (if you're using daycare) there are four things you need on each bag: Name, Date, Time and Amount. Although not a large space, there is space for each of these four items on the Lansinoh bags. The Medela bags do have a large writing space but it's totally blank; so I guess that could be a possible advantage.

Also you will notice that the Lansinoh bag has a seal at the end of it. You just rip that off (so you know the bag's never been used and is clean) and fill it up. 

The seal is very very important when freezing milk. If the milk gets freezer burn (hey, it's happened to the best of us) then you've got to throw it all out. Also, if there's a leak it can make the milk go bad quicker. Note: If it smells funky, don't use it. The Medela bags have been known to leak (and I've experienced this as well as freezer burn). The Lansinoh bags have a double-zip seal so that is less likely with those bags.

With either bag (or any other brand), DO NOT overfill them or you will almost guarantee yourself a milk explosion in the freezer.

Both bags are able to stand in an upright position, although Medela has the advantage here since they are more sturdy. Why you would need your bag to stand up .. I can't tell you since I have no idea. It is nice, though, when first starting out and being able to pour it into the bag on the counter top.

So when the bags are laying flat, which is the best way to freeze and safe space, the Lansinoh has the (obvious) advantage. It lays much flatter, hence the longer/larger bag design. They do tend to stick to one another easier, though they aren't hard to break apart once frozen.

And finally pouring is extremely important! You've got to be able to pour the milk from the bag into the bottle when you need it. Medela has a hole cut out of the tops of their bags, but the milk bypasses it and I often get half of it on the counter tops. The plastic is very thick on their bags so it makes it hard to pour any other way.

The Lansinoh bags, however, don't have a pour spout but the design shape of the bag allows for you to pour it out of the sides very easily with minimal spilling.

Overall:

The Lansinoh has the best advantage when it comes to: price, storage capacity, labeling, sealing, space-saving, and ease of pouring.

Getting personal: Breastfeeding

Since this is a blog for close friends and family, I won't hold back. (fair warning)

Breastfeeding. It has its ups and downs, good times and bad. Giving birth, becoming a mother, seeing my child for the first time were all life-changing events. Breastfeeding was part of that. Before having a child and even during pregnancy I never thought I'd ever want to breastfeed. I'll be honest when I say that I thought it was gross and not at all something I wanted any part of. My husband, who is incredibly supportive of any decision I make, convinced me to at least give it a good try.

I had a lot of misconceptions in my mind about it. I thought it would hurt, my nipples would be sore, or he would bite a lot. Babies are actually very smart when it comes to feeding. They know how to get the milk and are damn good at it (most babies anyways). None of those things are true at all unless you're not nursing correctly, the latch is not right, etc. They are all issues that you might not deal with and if you do, there are solutions.

I tried nursing the first few days and I cried, as all new mothers do (damn hormones), and we had several visits from the lactation consultant (LC). Deb, who was my LC the entire hospital stay, was the most wonderful nurse I'd met. Every single time she was in the room, she gave me so much feedback that the feeding would always go so well. As the days went on, feedings got much harder to control. I was new to motherhood and nursing was pretty foreign. HOWEVER.. the more I tried to nurse, the more I wanted to succeed.

Long story short, I now love nursing. If you had asked me if I would/could ever love nursing back in the "early days" I would have laughed (or cried, depending on what day it was). I gave my son a bottle a few nights ago and it just was not the same. I actually want to nurse!

My initial goal was to just try nursing. Then it was to make it to at least 2 weeks nursing. Once he started losing an ounce a day and having to supplement, it was incredibly hard to keep going. I pushed through and my milk supply has been almost perfect these past 3 months. My next goal was to make it to 3 months nursing exclusively. CHECK! Now my goal is to make it to 6 months. I already know we'll have to start spoon feeding rice cereal and "jar" food, but I still don't want my milk supply to dwindle and have to revert to formula.

Side note: If you've ever made formula and pumped milk, the formula smells awful and looks disgusting in comparison. I wouldn't want to give my kid formula that smells like a garbage dump and is brown in color. DISGUSTING!

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I think breastfeeding is an amazing gift of ours and some women can't do it so I feel incredibly blessed to have the ability to do so. I can't believe that at one time in my life I actually would have been disgusted at a woman breastfeeding, public or otherwise. I'm not saying I'm gonna whip it out at the dinner table or anything (trust me, I'm still very modest), but I think it's a wonderful bonding experience that bottle-fed babies and moms just don't get to share.

A friend once told me that I'd actually miss feedings when he doesn't nurse anymore and I can now see why that's so true. For now I am enjoying the days I get to spend watching my cute little man do new things and explore new toys. And as much as I'd never thought I would hear these words come out of my mouth, I do actually miss the middle-of-the-night feedings because it was dark, quiet, just the two of us bonding. Loved it!